"…the disrespect that abusive men so often direct toward women in general tend to be born of their cultural values and conditioning rather than personal experiences of being victimized by women."
— Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft (via purpequeenblackmagicalgirl)
"I have often had people say to me over the years, ‘Wow, that’s really something, that you could work with abusers for all those years! I just really don’t think I could do that!’ And they find it something kind of admirable.
And I say, ‘Well, why? What do you think is so hard about it? Or why do you think you couldn’t do it?’ And they say, ‘Well, because I just don’t think I could have any sympathy or compassion for the abuser.’
To me that’s arguably the beginning point of the confusion that abusers have created. They’ve created the notion that they are owed sympathy and compassion. Why?
They’re not owed a DROP of special sympathy and compassion for the fact that they beat women. Since when is that a category for special sympathy and compassion?
During the years that I worked with abusers, if a client came into the group with a broken leg, I had sympathy and compassion for him about his broken leg. But I NEVER had sympathy and compassion by him for being a woman-abuser."— Lundy Bancroft on “Domestic Violence in Popular Culture” (via thehumblearticulatefeminist)
ABUSE AS A FORM OF OPPRESSION
A home where a woman is abused is a small-scale model of much larger oppressive systems that work in remarkably similar ways. Many of the excuses an abusive man uses for verbally tearing his partner to shreds are the same ones that a power-mad boss uses for humiliating his or her employees. The abusive man’s ability to convince himself that his domination of you is for your own good is paralleled by the dictator who says, “People in this country are too primitive for democracy.” The divide-and-conquer strategies used by abusers are reminiscent of a corporate head who tries to break the labor union by giving certain groups of workers favored treatment. The making of an abuser is thus not necessarily restricted to the specific values his society teaches him about men’s relationships with women; without realizing it he may also apply attitudes and tactics from other forms of oppression that he has been exposed to as a boy or as a young adult and that he has learned to justify or even admire.
If you look at any oppressive organization or system, from a racist country club up to a military government, you will find most of the same behaviors and justifications by the powerful that I have described in this book. The tactics of control, the intimidation of victims who try to protest, the undermining of efforts at independence, the negative distortions about the victims in order to cast blame upon them, the careful cultivation of the public image of the oppressors—all are present, along with many other parallels. The people in power generally tell lies while simultaneously working hard to silence the voices of the people who are being dominated and to stop them from thinking, just as the abusive man strives to do. And the bottom line is the same: Oppressive systems stay in existence because the people in power enjoy the luxury of their position and become unwilling to give up the privileges they win through taking advantage of other people and keeping them down. In short, the abusive mentality is the mentality of oppression."— Why does he do that - Lundy Bancroft (via scherbensalat)
Popular performers both reflect and shape social attitudes.
The white rapper Eminem won a Grammy Award while I was writing this book. At the time of his award, one of his newest popular songs was “Kim,” the name of Eminem’s wife. The song begins with the singer putting his baby daughter to bed and then preparing to murder his wife for being with another man. He tells his wife, “If you move I’ll beat the shit out of you,” and informs her that he has already murdered their four-year-old son. He then tells his wife he is going to drive away with her in the car, leaving the baby at home alone, and then will bring her home dead in the trunk. Kim’s voice (as performed by Eminem) is audible off and on throughout the song, screaming with terror. At times she pleads with him not to hurt her. He describes to her how he is going to make it look as if she is the one who killed their son and that he killed her in self-defense, so that he’ll get away with it. Kim screams for help, then is audibly choked to death, as Eminem screams, “Bleed, bitch, bleed! Bleed!” The murder is followed by the sound of a body being dragged across dry leaves, thrown into the trunk of a car, and closed in.
Even more horrible than Eminem’s decision to record this song glorifying the murder of a woman and child is the fact that it did not stop him from receiving a Grammy. What is a teen boy or a young man to conclude about our culture from this award? I believe I can safely say that a singer who openly promoted the killing of Jews, or blacks, or people in wheelchairs would be considered ineligible for a Grammy. But not so, unfortunately, for encouraging the brutal and premeditated murder of one’s wife and child, complete with a plan for how to escape consequences for it.
And, unfortunately, Eminem has plenty of company. The extremely popular Guns ’n’ Roses recorded a song that goes: “I used to love her / But I had to kill her / I had to put her six feet under / And I can still hear her complain.” The singer (Axl Rose) goes on to sing that he knew he would miss her so he buried her in the backyard. This song supports a common attitude among physical abusers that women’s complaints are what provoke men to violence. Another outstanding example is the comedian Andrew Dice Clay, whose repertoire of “jokes” about the beating and sexual assault of females has filled performance halls across the country. Fans of these kinds of performers have been known to state defensively, “Come on, it’s just humor.” But humor is actually one of the powerful ways a culture passes on its values. If a man is already inclined toward abuse because of his earlier training or experience, he can find validation in such erformances and distance himself even further from empathy for his partners. In one abuse case that I was involved in, the man used to play the above Guns ’n’ Roses song on the stereo repeatedly and tell his wife that this was what was going to happen to her, laughing about it. But in the context of verbal assault and physical fear that he created, what was a joke to him was a blood-curdling threat to his partner."— Why does he do that - Lundy Bancroft (via scherbensalat)
"The abuser creates confusion because he has to. He can’t control and intimidate you, he can’t recruit people around him to take his side, he can’t keep escaping the consequences of his actions, unless he can throw everyone off the track. When the world catches on to the abuser, his power begins to melt away."
— Lundy Bancroft (via marbled-perspective)
"But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life,always forcing his way into the center of the picture. You deserve to have your life be about you; you are worth it"
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (via purpequeenblackmagicalgirl)
- Autistic Person: *Flaps when they're happy*
- Autistic Person: *Hisses and pulls away when they're upset*
- Autistic Person: *Points and jumps when they need something *
- Autistic Person: *Rocks and stomps when they're upset*
- Autistic Person: *Verbally stims when they're anxious *
- Autistic Person: *Pets other to show love and affection*
- Autistic Person: *Has a thousand unique stims and vocalizations for different contexts that convey different meanings*
- Allistic Person: "See, they don't communicate at all!"
I’ve had it up to here with “why-can’t-we-all-just-get-along” activists.
There is a distinction between working to create a safe space where everyone is valued and working to create a space where privileged people are spared the possibility of feeling responsible.
When u fetishize people its an unconscious act, but when u have a fetish you recognize what you’re doing and maybe not fully understand the implications of your actions but have a good enough grasp to get off on the hypersexualtion a group of people and chances are the troupes you cling to are steeped in racism.